…heartbeat
of the positive revolution
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Do You Care Too Much? “Do you think you could treat me like I’m 25… and stop caring so much?” pleaded my 15-year old son, when I returned home from traveling. During the weeks I was gone, Michael had somehow carried on without his mother; then suddenly mom was on the scene again, telling him what to do. “I could treat you like you’re 25 if you act that way,” I replied smugly, “but stop caring? I’m not sure that’s possible, or even desirable.” What did he mean, “stop caring”? What was it that I was doing that would cause him to want me to stop caring? I got my answer when visiting my own mother last week. I found myself frequently irritated as she told me what to do: “Eat something. You must be hungry.” Do this. Do that. Or else. It was enough to make me scream, “Stop treating me like a two-year old!” Wham! Who said that? Me? I have heard those exact words from my son’s lips. This startled me. Do I treat Michael like my mother treats me? And why does it push my buttons? After all, isn’t she behaving this way because she cares about me? Eureka! “Stop caring so much…” As I pondered the synchronicity of my son’s request with my own experience as a child, I happened to read this passage from concentration camp survivor Victor Frankl, in “Man’s Search for Meaning:” “…success, like happiness, cannot be pursued: it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself … Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: You have to let it happen by not caring about it.” While I’m not entirely sure of Frankl’s meaning in relationship to my son’s request, I feel strongly there is something here for me to consider. Thus, I share it with you for us to contemplate together. My fervent desire is for each of us to feel empowered to fully experience the freedom and responsibilities of personal choice. To give this gift to my son, I choose to stop smothering him with my caring, well-intentioned but often unnecessary (face it, mom!) advice. Come to think of it, refraining from giving unsolicited advice to my business associates and friends is a great idea, too! As I re-read Frankl’s writing and look to the Agreements to help me take my next steps, each Agreement lifts me up: I will keep doing what works and change what’s not working, listen with my heart, honor our choices, see the best in myself and others, and finally, thank goodness: “Lighten Up!” With gratitude,
Special Event For Colorado Businesswomen: Wednesday, October 18, 6-8 pm, Ft. Collins CO: Marian will present “Making Integrity Part of Your Business Plan” at the Northern Front Range eWomen Network’s Accelerated Networking Dinner. eWomen Network is the #1 resource for connecting and promoting women and their businesses worldwide. Informal networking starts at 5:30 pm; dinner at 6. Your stories are the heartbeat of the positive revolution. Keep them coming! Listening with Heart Turns Enemies into Friends Max Lafser is Vice-President of the Center for International Dialogue, Unity minister, and counselor/coach for communities in transition worldwide (businesses, families and churches). Max may be contacted by email at: ramavernon@aol.com. The Revolutionary Agreements have been especially significant for me in the past six months as I was recovering from illness and injuries and was compelled to take a fearless look at myself. In reading and doing the exercises, I was reminded of how important these principles have been in my life. One particularly poignant experience vividly expresses the value of listening with my heart. As part of the Soviet Center for International Dialogue (created by my wife Rama in the mid 1980’s), we were called upon to facilitate communication for the positive growth and reintegration of transitional and sometimes adversarial communities in the Soviet Union. One such assignment called us to go abroad and work with delegations from Armenia and Azerbaijan. There was so much anger and pain that neither side was willing to meet and negotiations were at a standstill. We began working with each group separately in their own territories, listening deeply with our hearts and gently facilitating the full expression of each person’s story and feelings about the Armenian and Azerbaijani conflict. Eventually, the two groups agreed to meet in the neutral territory of Georgia. In a large room we gathered around a table, the Armenians grouped on one side and the Azerbaijanis on the other. The air crackled with tension. Rama and I held this precious and fragile space as one of safety and possibility. Eventually, an Azerbaijani man took the initiative and passionately poured his heart out. He spoke of walking hand-in-hand with his young son when accosted by a Red Army soldier who demanded to see his papers. Throwing his papers into the blood and gore on the street, the soldier forced the Azerbaijani to crawl on his hands and knees to retrieve them with his teeth. As he told us his story, he cried, lamenting that his son would always see him as weak because of losing face in that most humiliating moment. The depth of this man’s pain permeated the silence in our room. Suddenly, an Armenian man from across the huge table got up from his chair, stretched his body across the table and reached out with his hand, fingers pointed toward the Azerbaijani. Choked with emotion, he said, “You sound just like me.” In that moment the energy of the room shifted and people began, one-by-one, to share their personal stories, discovering that they had similar feelings, hopes and a deep desire for peace. As each participant felt truly heard, healing began and they could listen to each other more deeply. Ultimately, they began to see the best in themselves and each other (one of my favorite Revolutionary Agreements). That night and for the next two days, former enemies who had never talked or touched each other became fast friends, shared meals together and made commitments to continue dialogue and work together on joint peace projects. By practicing what we preach--over and over again--Rama and I evoke the Law of Positive Attraction, and it has netted many rewards. Among those is the gift of twelve wonderful tools called the Revolutionary Agreements, which have helped me to reassert my life plan, mission and goals for my physical well-being, work and life. The Caring Cycle She cared for me so long ago I then cared for my sweet girl But caring doesn’t ever cease. Now advice is less demanding The roles have changed (oh me, oh my). Advice and love run freely now
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